The following words and phrases are taken from Conservative sources so you can learn to speak like a modern Conservative.
African facial expressions = Watermelon smiles
“…stop their hacking of human flesh, the tribal warriors will all break out in watermelon smiles to see the big white chief touch down in his big white British taxpayer-funded bird.” — Boris Johnson (Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, Daily Telegraph, 10 January 2002)
Africans = Fuzzy Wuzzies
“It may be moral to keep an empire because the fuzzy-wuzzies can’t look after themselves.” — Michael Gove (Oxford Union, 1987) 
Asians = Dogs
“Conservative Councillor Rosemary Carroll, who shared the sick xenophobic joke on Facebook last June, was allowed to rejoin the Tory party “as the votes were being counted” on Friday, giving the Tories control of Pendle Council in Lancashire for the first time in 39 years.” (5 May 2018) (Brian Parker, Pendle’s BNP councillor since 2006, stood down, strengthening the chances of less overt racist parties. We are told that off the record Brian had mentioned Rosemary Carroll was considered too offensive for the BNP.) 
Birmingham = Dump
Daniel Grainger, chairman of the Young Conservative Network (YCN), insists Birmingham is a ‘dump’!
In June 2021, he wrote: “Birmingham is the worst city in the UK.”
In April 2022 he posted: “Birmingham is firmly the worst city in the UK.”
Replying to a tweet in May this year that said “’Spoons in Birmingham is so shit, Birmingham in general is.” Replying to another post about Birmingham, he wrote: “It is a dump. (LBC, 1 October 2022)
Black = Picanniny
“It is said that the Queen has come to love the Commonwealth, partly because it supplies her with regular cheering crowds of flag-waving piccaninnies.” — Boris Johnson (Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, Daily Telegraph, 10 January 2002)
(The term was used (“wide-grinning picaninnies”) by the British Conservative Member of Parliament Enoch Powell (MP 1950–1974) when he quoted a letter in his “Rivers of Blood” speech on 20 April 1968. It is a racial slur which refers to a depiction of dark-skinned children of African descent, a racist and derogatory caricature. Boris Johnson often echoes Enoch Powell.)
Brexit without a deal = Nigger in the woodpile
“In July 2017, Conservative Member of Parliament (MP) for Newton Abbot, Anne Marie Morris, was recorded on a parliamentary panel, at the East India, Devonshire, Sports and Public Schools’ Club in St James’s Square, using the idiom “nigger in the woodpile” to describe the threat of leaving the EU without a deal, at the launch of a report into the future for the UK’s financial sector after Brexit.”
(Conservative peer Lord Dixon-Smith also uses the term. The phrase refers to an African American hiding in your woodpile, you have not noticed him but you will when your wife gives birth to a baby with dark skin. Or your wood is being stolen. Or your slave is being smuggled north to Canada… Also African Americans were killed many ways other than lynchings. There are many photographs of mobs around a woodpile burning an African American.)
Chinese = Chink
Conservative councillor Bob Fahey is facing a police probe after calling fellow Conservatives a “chink” and an “Indian” during his election speech. He made the remarks just moments after being elected to Oadby and Wigston Borough Council in Leicestershire in 2015. He was standing alongside fellow Conservative councillors Rav Thakor and Dr Teck Khong referring to them as a “team of three”, Bob Fahey described himself as an old type of Tory – “the whitey” and pointing at Rav Thakor, he remarked: “This is the Indian”, and then pointing to Dr Teck Khong he remarked: “This is the chink”. The two smiled politely as Bob Fahey made his racist remarks.
Ed Milliband = The Jew
Conservatives referred to Ed Milliband as “The Jew” assuming that would harm his chances. For example Conservative candidate Gulzabeen Afsar, “Just can’t take Mr Ed Miiband [Ed Milliband] seriously!! DC [David Cameron] has what it takes to be the future PM… Nah bro! never ever will I drop that low and support the Al Yahud [Arabic for The Jew] lol.”
“Ed Miliband’s father, Ralph Miliband, and mother Marion Kozak, both fled the holocaust during the Second World War. The Labour leader describes himself as a Jewish Atheist.”
Gay men = tank-topped bumboys
“…the tank-topped bumboys blub into their Pils.” — Boris Johnson (Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, Daily Telegraph, 1998)
Gujarati = Gorilla
Conservative councillor Bob Allen put a gorilla image next to a blog about Labour Councillor Dr Ebrahim Adia in 2009. The blog, entitled “Not another Executive member”, criticised the council for putting pictures of Asians on its website. Labour Councillor Dr Ebrahim Adia made no public comment on this or previous racist attacks by Bob Allen.
Immigrants = Germs
“Immigrant terrorists are by no means the most potent threat to British lives. It is not through letting in terrorists that the government’s policy of mass immigration – especially from the Third World – will claim the most lives. It is through letting in too many germs.” — Anthony Browne (The Spectator, 25 January 2003)
Anthony Browne was chosen by South Cambrideshire Conservative Association after it forced Heidi Allen out. Heidi was not racist enough and opposed starving the poor, but Anthony Browne is everything the Conservative Party stands for: extreme racism, insane greed and half-witted ignorance.
Reviewed as “Every Bigot’s Handbook”
Inciting Race Hatred and Murder = Rude
Frank Hester OBE accepts that he was rude about Diane Abbot but his incitement to race hatred and murder had nothing to do with her gender nor colour of skin. Given his huge donations to the Conservative party and the vast private health contracts that gave him, his words are now party policy.
“It’s like trying not to be racist but you see Diane Abbott… you just want to hate all black women because she’s there… I think she should be shot.” — Frank Hester OBE (The Guardian 11 March 2024)
Israeli Soldier = Bloody Jew
“You don’t look like a soldier to me. You look like a bloody Jew.” — Patrick Mercer (Daily Telegraph 31 May 2013)
“In 2007 Mr Mercer, an ex-army officer, stepped down from David Cameron’s shadow cabinet after saying it was normal for a black soldier in the British Army to be called a “black bastard.” “That’s the way it is in the army. If someone is slow on the assault course, you’d get people shouting ‘come on you fat bastard, come on you ginger bastard, come on you black bastard’,” he said in an interview. In 2013, he was secretly filmed by an undercover BBC journalist complaining about a recent trip to Israel in which he was stopped by a soldier who he described as “an 18-year-old girl wearing uniform, but with her sort of hair in plaits and, and crazy jewellery and, and open-toed sandals.” Mr Mercer then said the woman did not look like a soldier but that she instead looked like “a bloody Jew.” — (The Yorkshire Post regularly publishes posts by Patrick Mercer, a former BBC Radio 4 Today programme journalist and the son of the Bishop of Exeter)
In 2007 Patrick Mercer said he had met ‘a lot’ of ‘idle and useless’ ethnic minority soldiers who used racism as a ‘cover’.
Journalists = Left wing morons
“…relying on left-wing morons for their information…” Philip Davies (15 June 2018) (Hannah Price was raped and is concerned about Choping, which used to be known as up-skirting. Philip Davies MP has a certain Conservative style when it comes to sensitivity to women.)
Masturbation (male) ejaculating against a wall (Etonian practice) = Spaff
In March 2019 Boris Johnson used the term “spaffed” when referring to child abuse cases and why he thinks they need not be investigated.
Spaffed is an Etonian term, for example after a Master buggers a pupil often the pupil does not then bugger the adult but may instead go outside and masturbate, spurting against a wall. So Boris Johnson’s wit suggests this Etonian term for ejaculation is appropriate when he discusses child abuse and why it should not be investigated.
“Keeping numbers high on the streets is certainly important but the question is about where you spend the money and where you deploy the officers. And one comment I would make is I think an awful lot of money and an awful lot of police time now goes into these historic offences and all this malarkey. You know, £60m I saw was being spaffed up a wall, you know, on some investigation into historic child abuse.” — Boris Johnson (Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, The Independent 13 March 2019)
(Having sex with a wall is what future Conservative grandees do at the elite King’s College of Our Lady of Eton, sex with a dead pig’s head is later at the University of Oxford. Eton is an elite male-only private school, though with one exception, Elizabeth II, Queen of the United Kingdom and other Commonwealth realms, was taught by the the provost of Eton, Henry Marten, who instructed her in constitutional history and would know the term.)
Muslim Children = Bin Bags
Conservative councillor Chris Joannides posted a picture in 2013 that compared Muslim children to black plastic bin liners. “I told her she had three beautiful children.”
Muslims = Parasites
Mike Payne, the Conservative councillor for Sowerby Bridge in Calderdale, West Yorkshire, posted an article to Twitter and Facebook in 2013 with the headline: “France Slashed Benefits to Muslim Parasites by 83%.”
Conservative councillor Mike Payne said in response to a recent Twitter post which showed a crowd of mostly black and ethnic minority people and said Britain used to be 99.95% white, “I think it might have something to do with uncontrolled immigration policies put in place by successive Labour governments perhaps?”
Peaceful Human = Terrorist Sympathiser
Conservative Prime Minister known as “Dodgy” Dave Cameron, trusted by the English peasantry due to reports from his friends of his sexual prowess with a dead pig’s head and his empathetic burning of a £50.00 note in front of a homeless person, said in December 2015, “You should not be walking through the lobbies with Jeremy Corbyn and a bunch of terrorist sympathisers”. Under unparliamentary language rules, no MP is allowed to accuse another member of being dishonourable, but this rule is largely only enforced against Dennis Skinner. Politicians, especially those whose families are heavily invested in arms and related industries, are always in favour of military action in Syria and opposed to peaceful diplomacy as not being as lucrative for the British economy. Jeremy Corbyn and his bunch are more inclined to exhaust diplomacy first, as they are essentially peaceful rather than masters of war who lie and deceive. Jeremy Corbyn said, “Cameron’s approach is bomb first, talk later. But instead of adding British bombs to the others now raining down on Syria, what’s needed is an acceleration of the peace talks in Vienna.” (On 26 June 2017 the Conservative Party became the only major United Kingdom party to have been in power due to a deal with the political wing of a Proscribed Organisation in the United Kingdom under the Terrorism Act 2000. Con / DUP / UDA)
Penis = Tottymeter
See Women entry below for usage:
(Image may only be visible in Denmark and Italy)
President Obama = Part-Kenyan President
President Obama removed a bust of Churchill from the Oval Office as “a symbol of the part-Kenyan President’s ancestral dislike of the British Empire“. — Boris Johnson (Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, The Sun, 22 April 2016)
President of Turkey = Wankerer
“There was a young fellow from Ankara,
Who was a terrific wankerer.
Till he sowed his wild oats,
With the help of a goat,
But he didn’t even stop to thankera.”
— Boris Johnson (Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, £1,000.00 poem, 18 May 2016)
Rioters from Ethnic Minorities = Jungle Bunnies
Bob Frost, a Conservative councillor and maths teacher at Sir Roger Manwood’s grammar school in Sandwich in Kent, lost his job for calling rioters “jungle bunnies” It was first coined by American police officers when beating blacks described as, “All coming from jungles and hiding like ‘scared bunnies’ whenever police officers are present, jumping fences when running from the police, and they reproduce like rabbits.”
Secretary = Sugar-tits
“Mark Garnier, MP for Wyre Forest in Worcestershire, admitted calling Ms Edmondson ‘sugar-tits’ and getting her to buy sex toys…” Mark Garnier gave Caroline Edmondson money and waited outside a sex shop in Soho while she went inside to buy two vibrators, one for his “woman friend” in his constituency office, the other for his wife. “You are going nowhere, sugar tits.” The Conservative Party decided officially, “There was no evidence that Mark Garnier had breached the expected standards of behaviour”. I think we can all agree on that! But those who have met him say he is as repulsive as any man they have ever met… (We have no report on how sweet his secretary’s breasts were when he licked and sucked on them.)
Single mothers’ children = Ill-raised ignorant aggressive and illegitimate children
In the Spectator Boris Johnson called for cuts to benefits, saying that it would leave women in ‘destitution on a Victorian scale’ and this may stop unmarried women wanting children. He wrote of the “feebleness of the modern Briton, his reluctance or inability to take control of his woman… producing a generation of ill-raised, ignorant, aggressive and illegitimate children.” — Boris Johnson (Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, The Spectator, 19 August 1995, page 6)
On LBC on 29 November 2019 Ruth from Oldham said Johnson was a hypocrite: “I am a single mother. I don’t appreciate what you have said about single mothers, and by implication my family. Why are you happy to criticise people like me, when you refuse to discuss your family?” Only some of the children of Boris Johnson are known by name: Lara Lettice, Cassia Peaches, Theodore Apollo, Milo Arthur and Stephanie. There are thought to be 11 others, possibly many more.
Single mothers impregnated on an industrial scale too vast to count.
Student = Illiterate lefty pleb
“A Merseyside Conservative boss has been branded a bully after he called a student a ‘lefty pleb’ on Twitter. Formby councillor Simon Jamieson, deputy leader of Sefton Conservatives, also went on to say 26-year-old Sean Flynn’s profile picture looked like something from a ‘Munsters reunion film’.” Liverpool Echo (9 May 2018) Sean Flynn posted a screen capture of a since-deleted tweet from Councillor Jamieson — in which the councillor had written: “Tories are working hard to have misleading information disseminated”. Simon Jamieson called Sean Flynn an “illiterate lefty pleb” for reposting his public admission of Tory strategy. He then insulted Sean further saying he looked like one of the “Munsters reunion film rejected actors”.
The Munsters (1964-1966) was an American televison sitcom about monsters, with a laugh track of canned laughter so viewers would know it was meant to be funny. A pleb is a derogatory term popular since 1795 and refers to a person not of noble rank, a member of the working classes as an unsophisticated, uncultured person. It is a term of derision that originates in Westminster School slang where it is used when mocking the son of a tradesman.
Suicide Vest = Theresa May’s strategy
“We have opened ourselves to perpetual political blackmail. We have wrapped a suicide vest around the British constitution – and handed the detonator to Michel Barnier. We have given him a jemmy with which Brussels can choose – at any time – to crack apart the Union between Great Britain and Northern Ireland.” — Boris Johnson (Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, Daily Telegraph, 8 September 2018) 
Uganda = Uganda
“The problem is not that we were once in charge, but that we are not in charge any more… Consider Uganda, pearl of Africa, as an example of the British record. … the British planted coffee and cotton and tobacco, and they were broadly right… If left to their own devices, the natives would rely on nothing but the instant carbohydrate gratification of the plantain. You never saw a place so abounding in bananas: great green barrel-sized bunches, off to be turned into matooke. Though this dish (basically fried banana) was greatly relished by Idi Amin, the colonists correctly saw that the export market was limited… The best fate for Africa would be if the old colonial powers, or their citizens, scrambled once again in her direction; on the understanding that this time they will not be asked to feel guilty. ” — Boris Johnson (Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, The Spectator, 2 February 2002)
Up-skirting = Choping
“Choping is the practice of making unauthorized photographs under a woman’s skirt, capturing an image of her crotch area, underwear and sometimes genitalia. The term “Choping” can also refer to a photograph, video, or illustration which incorporates an up-skirt image.” The term was coined in June 2018 in honour of Sir Christopher Chope who single-handedly blocked legislation against up-skirting in the UK parliament and was given his “knighthood for political and pubic service” in the New Year Honours 2018. In 2018 Sir Christopher was the only MP who opposed legislation on female genital mutilation. (Sunday Times 25 November 2018)
Voters = Idiots or morons
Peterborough City Council Conservative councillor Wayne Fitzgerald called voters “idiots” and “morons”.
“If you cannot see how that will make Bretton a nicer place for kids then you are an idiot.” “I guess I know who most are already … might describe them as ill informed morons.” “I suggest you go boil your head. As previously discussed it may rinse out some of the bile you carry around in it.” — Wayne Fitzgerald (Peterborough Telegraph, 10 March 2009) Later he added, “The sooner the standards committee is scrapped, which a Conservative government say they will do, the better.” The Standards Committee upheld the complaints made…
Women = Hot Totty
“Hot Totty is on the agenda as women start to scent victory… The unanimous opinion is that what has been called the “Tottymeter” [angle of erect penis] reading is higher than at any other Labour Party conference.” “Time and again the ‘Tottymeter’ has gone off [ejaculated] as a young woman delegate mounts the rostrum.” — Boris Johnson (Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, Daily Telegraph, 1996) 
In 2013, Gloria de Piero was promoted to the shadow cabinet as what Boris Johnson called “Shadow Minister for Hot Totties” (less Bullingdon people call the post “Shadow Minister for Women and Equalities”). He finds it irritating she does not take a joke well, but apparently he finds many women are like that. Ruth Potter became a Labour councillor in York for many years. It is not known if she laughs at Boris Johnson more than Gloria de Piero does?
Working class men = Drunk, criminal, aimless, feckless and hopeless
“Most of these single mothers have had the common sense to detect that the modern British male is useless. If he is blue collar, he is likely to be drunk, criminal, aimless, feckless and hopeless, and perhaps claiming to suffer from low self-esteem brought on by unemployment.” — Boris Johnson (Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, The Spectator, 19 August 1995, page 6)
Boris Johnson complained about Labour’s policies for the poorest, suggesting the government was trying to “boss them” into not smoking, not eating or drinking too much, and preventing them from taking part in fox-hunting! “They are so full of revulsion when they see a chav belting her kids in the supermarket that they seriously contemplate banning smacking.” — Boris Johnson (Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, The Daily Telegraph, 8 December 2005)
Do not worry if any words or phrases in the glossary seem racist, sexist or antisemitic, they are not because Conservatives are held to a very, very different standard compared with their inferiors. If a Labour person on the left were to use any of these words they would be judged antisemitic (unless they are one of those in the Labour Party who are to all intents and purposes Conservative, known as a Blairite and often followers of Sir Keir Starmer the Conservative leader of the Labour Party). Jewish members of the Labour Party are by definition antisemitic, even when their heritage also includes “grinning picaninnies”.
Theresa Windrush May made Boris Johnson her Foreign Secretary, cementing the image of her party which had supported Apartheid and provided the Rivers of Blood MP.
And what of the alleged racist, Nazi apologist, antisemitic, terrorist, vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn? Is he not far worse? Of course, if we trust the accusations of his enemies inciting hatred, but unable to provide any evidence or examples, yes, think Con… 
Use this glossary to improve your speech, impress your vicar and open doors slammed in the face of others. Become one of us. It pays off. The Conservative Party is the oldest current political party in the world and conserves many values rejected by all other humans on the planet. (The word “Tory” derives from the Middle Irish word tóraidhe; modern Irish tóraí; modern Scottish Gaelic Tòraidh: outlaw, robber or brigand, from the Irish word tóir. The Tories were members of two political parties which existed sequentially in the Kingdom of England, the Kingdom of Great Britain and later the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland from the 17th to the early 19th centuries. The first Tories emerged in 1678 in England. One Tory faction, led by the Earl of Derby and Benjamin Disraeli, survived to become a separate political party, the Conservative Party. Several extreme right-wing parties in several countries in the Commonwealth continue to be referred to as Tories, along with party members.”)
Update on African viewpoint (2019-07-23)
Update on Conservatives on Islam (2019-11-12)
Update for Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson lovers and their offspring. (2020-06-14)
Video version (2022-01-23)
Bio (2022-06-06)